The Serensky Method: An Introduction

Dear Reader,

As I read your letter, I must admit “I’ve been thinking about old times a lot lately” (VIII.1.6). I thought about past relationships, when I worried like you do now, and “looking back it all seems so well, childish” (VII.4.8). I receive hundreds of letters just like yours from pathetic girls trying to hold onto boyfriends who do not want or appreciate them. Now, I know you probably feel confused and frustrated but “there’s no need for panic” (II.17.1). I know exactly what to do. I realized a long time ago “you just hadda be tougher” than others to survive (II.22.2). I have used the “Serensky Method” myself and as a result, I “regret nothing” because I “have lived life free from compromise” (X.22.6). Now, you have two choices, “either surrender responsibility…or… take control” (X.4).  I recommend the latter. Take control or one day you will find yourself fighting off your cats for the last bite of Double Fudge Brownie ice cream. Now, I will show you the “Serensky Method” to improve your life and move on from your inevitable breakup with your current boyfriend. First of all, do not fight the breakup. I realize you may experience “some animal urge to fight and struggle” to win him back (II.26.5). Do not. I know “when you’re desperate you’ll try anything” but no good can come from wasting your time on him (II.24.5). Right now extravagant and crazy plans most likely run through your head as you contemplate ways to get him back, but “you don’t want him that bad” (VIII.15.3). After all, “some things, once…busted…can’t ever be fixed” so that boy does not deserve the effort or time you would spend trying to get him back (III.7.4). You need to accept reality right now. You deserve better than someone who makes you feel so alone that you need to write to an advice columnist for help. He does not deserve your love. “Life’s too short” to spend with stupid people like him (III.25.8). “God knows what these people have instead of brains” (VIII.12.1). You can do better, but “I’m not here to speculate on the moral lapses of men;” I need to give you advice on what to do next (I.21.8). First, “react in a healthy and positive way to the world” (X.4). You say he wants to break up, fine, “time to...cut our losses” and let him (IX.3). Better yet, break up with the jerk first. The best solution to your problems remains to “forget all of it” and not waste your time clinging to the past (II.14.3). I know you probably want that “magical romance…they promise…when you’re a kid” but time to grow up (IX.7.5).  You just want someone to “wave a wand and make it all better” but no fairy godmother will come (VIII.22.3). Accept what has happened. “Real life is messy, inconsistent” but does that mean you need to get overwhelmed (III.12)? Of course not. After all, “Nothing is hopeless” (II.25.7). How did I come to know so much? “We’re all puppets…I…just… see the strings” (IX.5.4). Walk away from the relationship, no, run away, but remember not to reach for that celebratory buttercream cupcake. Nothing ruins a celebratory break up like realizing you put on twenty pounds in the aftermath. So run towards those salads and kale chips to the tune of some Zumba beats and get ready for your new life. If you follow my advice, I can turn YOU into an independent, successful woman who does not need a man to survive. Any girl can do it. “All best wishes and encouragement” (X.4).

Ms. Serensky