Only Minor Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Two years ago, I, along with around twenty other sophomores nervously sat in Honors English, preparing to write my first paragraph that Ms. Serensky would read and grade. We sat, stressed out, panicking at the idea of not only writing an entire paragraph in forty minutes, but at also having Ms. Serensky judge our writing. Right before we began the dreaded task, someone remembered, and announced out loud, that at Springfest we had heard Ms. Serensky mention her preference for black ink. Immediately, everyone began scrambling around, desperately searching for a black pen to write over the heading they had already done in blue. Naïve, we did not realize we would have to prepare for more than choosing the right ink color. So here I have outlined some of the most basic things to know for AP English:

• Annotate your books. They should have more of your notes than the author’s words by the time you finish. Perhaps more importantly, do not use a pen any color other than blue or black.

• Practice some dance moves because every Wednesday you will face the uncertainty of not knowing if you will be chosen for the blog show. If selected for this prestigious honor, music will play as you awkwardly shuffle to the front of the room. Of course, half the class will not dance when called up and Serensky will stare them down. Do not become one of those people.

•  Do not make direct eye contact with Ms. Serensky, especially if you must get a planned absence form signed…never mind, you should NEVER miss English class anyway. If miss a day, do not come back.

• Speak only if spoken to, unless in a class discussion. In that case, put all friendships aside to rack up the participation points. Become aggressive. Before discussion, create an extensive list of ideas for any possible discussion topic, because, without a doubt, other students will say 99 percent of your comments before you can.

• When typing a paragraph or essay out of class, do not try to change the font size or make the margins .99” instead of 1”. Serensky will notice.

• Memorize quotes for the AP test. If you cannot have three books memorized front to cover by May then you chose the wrong class.

• Invest in energy drinks and red bull to help you function without any sleep. Make sure to have a stash every quarter for the data sheet.

If you follow these basic instructions, you should emerge from AP English two years later alive and a better writer with only minor carpal tunnel syndrome.

Awkwardness Kills Me

Disclaimer: I did not base this story on real life or Derek’s personality. I had no idea what to write about, but then I thought what better way to imitate Derek than to use his blogs? So, I have compiled some quotes from Derek’s various blog posts.

I “strut my stuff in” “Chagrin Falls High School.”  “I strive for formality, but also look to party.”  “I hope I can positively affect the lives of students around me.” “I would like to leave a certain impression upon these unfortunate students.” “I would bet my left knuckle” they “ admire my work ethic.” “I walk up the steps… to the hallway” to “English class.” “The inhabitant of the room…possesses a dark sense of humor as well as a complex mind.” “Awkward ‘speed-dating’ situations.” “English papers.” I near the classroom. “Now comes the time when the men separate themselves from the boys, when the soldiers separate themselves from the citizens, and when the courageous separate themselves from the…uncourageous.” “Time seems to slow.” “I hold my supplies near to my chest, cowering in the dark.” “The challenge set before me,” “the most repulsive task ever asked:” discussion. “I firmly believe that I, over the course of my teenage years, have justly earned the title of World’s Worst Small Talker.” “Allow me to explain” “my fearfulness of finding myself in a situation necessitating small talk.” “Certain words definitely describe my personality when it comes to terrifying encounters. Words like sissy, wussy, and wimpy find their way right up my alley.” “This past week, I experienced an event in English class unlike anything I have ever encountered in my life.” “I could not help wringing out my sweaty hands, scrambling around my brain for anything that would keep the discussion running. “I continue to push forward, no longer caring for the safety of my well-being.” I blurt out, “As clearly seen in the character, Laurie, from this novel, who plays two males at once, guys dig the shallow stupid girls.” “The voices” of my classmates “fade away as soon as they appeared.” “I make my audience wriggle with displeasure from the uncomfortable feeling emitted by” “awkward diction” and an “uncomfortable tone”. “Heart stops beating.” I could not believe I voiced such strong opinions and disrespectfulness to my classmates. I do not understand the word or concept of “filter.” “Am I still alive?” “I can hear my breath rattling now.” “I inhale deeply.” “I began reciting Bible verses in my head, praying that I would survive this experience in one piece. Awkwardness kills me.” “I like to think that I possess a tiny bit of intelligence” but I “should have pondered my statement about such a debatable subject before speaking.” “What a Nightmare.” “Now that I finished my rant” “the urge to decapitate a small stuffed animal overcame me, followed by loathing.” “Women to this day have no interest in interacting with me.” “I sneak a glimpse at my teacher…what I witness causes my heart to leap.” “There I sit, haunted…while my teacher laughs in hysteria.” “I, however, find the extravaganza quite a demoralizing event.” “No sources of refuge from the terror.” But, “I suppose miracles do have a tendency to happen” as “here I sit today, alive and well, writing.” “I believe that I will persevere through the rest of the school year.” Next year at college, I hope” “some of my peers feel sympathetic enough towards me to act as my friends.” If not, “ I will work harder than a woodpecker in a petrified forest” so that “young children will become my new best friends.” “If I could accomplish these few goals” “pride would radiate from my body” and I would become “an overall joyful person.”

Those Psycho Roommate Stories

Throughout high school, we prepare for college: we focus on taking the AP classes, getting good grades, creating the perfect college essay, and filling out college applications. Then we get into college and start worrying about the place where we will live for the next four years. Who will we room with? Who will we befriend? As high school draws to a close, a part of me worries about leaving Chagrin and everyone I know. For the most part I have kept the same friends since fourth and fifth grade. Next year, I will have to start all over. Unfortunately, I barely remember how I got the friends I have today: I just remember hating Anna then hanging out all the time and something about Victoria getting me a fork so we decided to become friends. So, I have little to go off of when figuring out the best tactics to meet new people and create a good first impression. I cannot really afford two years of bitter rivalry with someone before we get to know each other. Growing up with a close group of friends, and in the “Bubble” no less, has hardly prepared me to meet new people. Most people who do not know me very well probably see me as quiet. So, I will need to work on becoming more outgoing with new people since I will virtually know no one at college. Over the past few days, I have heard other people talk about this issue, discussing questionnaires for finding roommates and what to consider when searching for someone to live with. Of course I have heard the stories about crazy roommates, making me realize the need to act down to earth and accept that I will have to compromise at times, as I will have to share a room with someone I have never met. Hopefully, my future classmates will view me as nice, caring and reasonable, so I do not become one of those psycho roommate stories. Fortunately, with my college’s average class size of around 1700 students, almost half the population of Chagrin Falls, I feel pretty confident I will find some friends and create a good impression. If not, I always have grad school.