Awkwardness Kills Me

Disclaimer: I did not base this story on real life or Derek’s personality. I had no idea what to write about, but then I thought what better way to imitate Derek than to use his blogs? So, I have compiled some quotes from Derek’s various blog posts.

I “strut my stuff in” “Chagrin Falls High School.”  “I strive for formality, but also look to party.”  “I hope I can positively affect the lives of students around me.” “I would like to leave a certain impression upon these unfortunate students.” “I would bet my left knuckle” they “ admire my work ethic.” “I walk up the steps… to the hallway” to “English class.” “The inhabitant of the room…possesses a dark sense of humor as well as a complex mind.” “Awkward ‘speed-dating’ situations.” “English papers.” I near the classroom. “Now comes the time when the men separate themselves from the boys, when the soldiers separate themselves from the citizens, and when the courageous separate themselves from the…uncourageous.” “Time seems to slow.” “I hold my supplies near to my chest, cowering in the dark.” “The challenge set before me,” “the most repulsive task ever asked:” discussion. “I firmly believe that I, over the course of my teenage years, have justly earned the title of World’s Worst Small Talker.” “Allow me to explain” “my fearfulness of finding myself in a situation necessitating small talk.” “Certain words definitely describe my personality when it comes to terrifying encounters. Words like sissy, wussy, and wimpy find their way right up my alley.” “This past week, I experienced an event in English class unlike anything I have ever encountered in my life.” “I could not help wringing out my sweaty hands, scrambling around my brain for anything that would keep the discussion running. “I continue to push forward, no longer caring for the safety of my well-being.” I blurt out, “As clearly seen in the character, Laurie, from this novel, who plays two males at once, guys dig the shallow stupid girls.” “The voices” of my classmates “fade away as soon as they appeared.” “I make my audience wriggle with displeasure from the uncomfortable feeling emitted by” “awkward diction” and an “uncomfortable tone”. “Heart stops beating.” I could not believe I voiced such strong opinions and disrespectfulness to my classmates. I do not understand the word or concept of “filter.” “Am I still alive?” “I can hear my breath rattling now.” “I inhale deeply.” “I began reciting Bible verses in my head, praying that I would survive this experience in one piece. Awkwardness kills me.” “I like to think that I possess a tiny bit of intelligence” but I “should have pondered my statement about such a debatable subject before speaking.” “What a Nightmare.” “Now that I finished my rant” “the urge to decapitate a small stuffed animal overcame me, followed by loathing.” “Women to this day have no interest in interacting with me.” “I sneak a glimpse at my teacher…what I witness causes my heart to leap.” “There I sit, haunted…while my teacher laughs in hysteria.” “I, however, find the extravaganza quite a demoralizing event.” “No sources of refuge from the terror.” But, “I suppose miracles do have a tendency to happen” as “here I sit today, alive and well, writing.” “I believe that I will persevere through the rest of the school year.” Next year at college, I hope” “some of my peers feel sympathetic enough towards me to act as my friends.” If not, “ I will work harder than a woodpecker in a petrified forest” so that “young children will become my new best friends.” “If I could accomplish these few goals” “pride would radiate from my body” and I would become “an overall joyful person.”