Only Minor Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Two years ago, I, along with around twenty other sophomores nervously sat in Honors English, preparing to write my first paragraph that Ms. Serensky would read and grade. We sat, stressed out, panicking at the idea of not only writing an entire paragraph in forty minutes, but at also having Ms. Serensky judge our writing. Right before we began the dreaded task, someone remembered, and announced out loud, that at Springfest we had heard Ms. Serensky mention her preference for black ink. Immediately, everyone began scrambling around, desperately searching for a black pen to write over the heading they had already done in blue. Naïve, we did not realize we would have to prepare for more than choosing the right ink color. So here I have outlined some of the most basic things to know for AP English:

• Annotate your books. They should have more of your notes than the author’s words by the time you finish. Perhaps more importantly, do not use a pen any color other than blue or black.

• Practice some dance moves because every Wednesday you will face the uncertainty of not knowing if you will be chosen for the blog show. If selected for this prestigious honor, music will play as you awkwardly shuffle to the front of the room. Of course, half the class will not dance when called up and Serensky will stare them down. Do not become one of those people.

•  Do not make direct eye contact with Ms. Serensky, especially if you must get a planned absence form signed…never mind, you should NEVER miss English class anyway. If miss a day, do not come back.

• Speak only if spoken to, unless in a class discussion. In that case, put all friendships aside to rack up the participation points. Become aggressive. Before discussion, create an extensive list of ideas for any possible discussion topic, because, without a doubt, other students will say 99 percent of your comments before you can.

• When typing a paragraph or essay out of class, do not try to change the font size or make the margins .99” instead of 1”. Serensky will notice.

• Memorize quotes for the AP test. If you cannot have three books memorized front to cover by May then you chose the wrong class.

• Invest in energy drinks and red bull to help you function without any sleep. Make sure to have a stash every quarter for the data sheet.

If you follow these basic instructions, you should emerge from AP English two years later alive and a better writer with only minor carpal tunnel syndrome.

Awkwardness Kills Me

Disclaimer: I did not base this story on real life or Derek’s personality. I had no idea what to write about, but then I thought what better way to imitate Derek than to use his blogs? So, I have compiled some quotes from Derek’s various blog posts.

I “strut my stuff in” “Chagrin Falls High School.”  “I strive for formality, but also look to party.”  “I hope I can positively affect the lives of students around me.” “I would like to leave a certain impression upon these unfortunate students.” “I would bet my left knuckle” they “ admire my work ethic.” “I walk up the steps… to the hallway” to “English class.” “The inhabitant of the room…possesses a dark sense of humor as well as a complex mind.” “Awkward ‘speed-dating’ situations.” “English papers.” I near the classroom. “Now comes the time when the men separate themselves from the boys, when the soldiers separate themselves from the citizens, and when the courageous separate themselves from the…uncourageous.” “Time seems to slow.” “I hold my supplies near to my chest, cowering in the dark.” “The challenge set before me,” “the most repulsive task ever asked:” discussion. “I firmly believe that I, over the course of my teenage years, have justly earned the title of World’s Worst Small Talker.” “Allow me to explain” “my fearfulness of finding myself in a situation necessitating small talk.” “Certain words definitely describe my personality when it comes to terrifying encounters. Words like sissy, wussy, and wimpy find their way right up my alley.” “This past week, I experienced an event in English class unlike anything I have ever encountered in my life.” “I could not help wringing out my sweaty hands, scrambling around my brain for anything that would keep the discussion running. “I continue to push forward, no longer caring for the safety of my well-being.” I blurt out, “As clearly seen in the character, Laurie, from this novel, who plays two males at once, guys dig the shallow stupid girls.” “The voices” of my classmates “fade away as soon as they appeared.” “I make my audience wriggle with displeasure from the uncomfortable feeling emitted by” “awkward diction” and an “uncomfortable tone”. “Heart stops beating.” I could not believe I voiced such strong opinions and disrespectfulness to my classmates. I do not understand the word or concept of “filter.” “Am I still alive?” “I can hear my breath rattling now.” “I inhale deeply.” “I began reciting Bible verses in my head, praying that I would survive this experience in one piece. Awkwardness kills me.” “I like to think that I possess a tiny bit of intelligence” but I “should have pondered my statement about such a debatable subject before speaking.” “What a Nightmare.” “Now that I finished my rant” “the urge to decapitate a small stuffed animal overcame me, followed by loathing.” “Women to this day have no interest in interacting with me.” “I sneak a glimpse at my teacher…what I witness causes my heart to leap.” “There I sit, haunted…while my teacher laughs in hysteria.” “I, however, find the extravaganza quite a demoralizing event.” “No sources of refuge from the terror.” But, “I suppose miracles do have a tendency to happen” as “here I sit today, alive and well, writing.” “I believe that I will persevere through the rest of the school year.” Next year at college, I hope” “some of my peers feel sympathetic enough towards me to act as my friends.” If not, “ I will work harder than a woodpecker in a petrified forest” so that “young children will become my new best friends.” “If I could accomplish these few goals” “pride would radiate from my body” and I would become “an overall joyful person.”

Those Psycho Roommate Stories

Throughout high school, we prepare for college: we focus on taking the AP classes, getting good grades, creating the perfect college essay, and filling out college applications. Then we get into college and start worrying about the place where we will live for the next four years. Who will we room with? Who will we befriend? As high school draws to a close, a part of me worries about leaving Chagrin and everyone I know. For the most part I have kept the same friends since fourth and fifth grade. Next year, I will have to start all over. Unfortunately, I barely remember how I got the friends I have today: I just remember hating Anna then hanging out all the time and something about Victoria getting me a fork so we decided to become friends. So, I have little to go off of when figuring out the best tactics to meet new people and create a good first impression. I cannot really afford two years of bitter rivalry with someone before we get to know each other. Growing up with a close group of friends, and in the “Bubble” no less, has hardly prepared me to meet new people. Most people who do not know me very well probably see me as quiet. So, I will need to work on becoming more outgoing with new people since I will virtually know no one at college. Over the past few days, I have heard other people talk about this issue, discussing questionnaires for finding roommates and what to consider when searching for someone to live with. Of course I have heard the stories about crazy roommates, making me realize the need to act down to earth and accept that I will have to compromise at times, as I will have to share a room with someone I have never met. Hopefully, my future classmates will view me as nice, caring and reasonable, so I do not become one of those psycho roommate stories. Fortunately, with my college’s average class size of around 1700 students, almost half the population of Chagrin Falls, I feel pretty confident I will find some friends and create a good impression. If not, I always have grad school. 

The Serensky Method: An Introduction

Dear Reader,

As I read your letter, I must admit “I’ve been thinking about old times a lot lately” (VIII.1.6). I thought about past relationships, when I worried like you do now, and “looking back it all seems so well, childish” (VII.4.8). I receive hundreds of letters just like yours from pathetic girls trying to hold onto boyfriends who do not want or appreciate them. Now, I know you probably feel confused and frustrated but “there’s no need for panic” (II.17.1). I know exactly what to do. I realized a long time ago “you just hadda be tougher” than others to survive (II.22.2). I have used the “Serensky Method” myself and as a result, I “regret nothing” because I “have lived life free from compromise” (X.22.6). Now, you have two choices, “either surrender responsibility…or… take control” (X.4).  I recommend the latter. Take control or one day you will find yourself fighting off your cats for the last bite of Double Fudge Brownie ice cream. Now, I will show you the “Serensky Method” to improve your life and move on from your inevitable breakup with your current boyfriend. First of all, do not fight the breakup. I realize you may experience “some animal urge to fight and struggle” to win him back (II.26.5). Do not. I know “when you’re desperate you’ll try anything” but no good can come from wasting your time on him (II.24.5). Right now extravagant and crazy plans most likely run through your head as you contemplate ways to get him back, but “you don’t want him that bad” (VIII.15.3). After all, “some things, once…busted…can’t ever be fixed” so that boy does not deserve the effort or time you would spend trying to get him back (III.7.4). You need to accept reality right now. You deserve better than someone who makes you feel so alone that you need to write to an advice columnist for help. He does not deserve your love. “Life’s too short” to spend with stupid people like him (III.25.8). “God knows what these people have instead of brains” (VIII.12.1). You can do better, but “I’m not here to speculate on the moral lapses of men;” I need to give you advice on what to do next (I.21.8). First, “react in a healthy and positive way to the world” (X.4). You say he wants to break up, fine, “time to...cut our losses” and let him (IX.3). Better yet, break up with the jerk first. The best solution to your problems remains to “forget all of it” and not waste your time clinging to the past (II.14.3). I know you probably want that “magical romance…they promise…when you’re a kid” but time to grow up (IX.7.5).  You just want someone to “wave a wand and make it all better” but no fairy godmother will come (VIII.22.3). Accept what has happened. “Real life is messy, inconsistent” but does that mean you need to get overwhelmed (III.12)? Of course not. After all, “Nothing is hopeless” (II.25.7). How did I come to know so much? “We’re all puppets…I…just… see the strings” (IX.5.4). Walk away from the relationship, no, run away, but remember not to reach for that celebratory buttercream cupcake. Nothing ruins a celebratory break up like realizing you put on twenty pounds in the aftermath. So run towards those salads and kale chips to the tune of some Zumba beats and get ready for your new life. If you follow my advice, I can turn YOU into an independent, successful woman who does not need a man to survive. Any girl can do it. “All best wishes and encouragement” (X.4).

Ms. Serensky

Steady As The Beating Drum

As an incredibly indecisive person, I struggled to choose only one movie to name as my favorite, so after brainstorming a list, I watched several trailers. One quickly stood out as the most uplifting one –one that brought me back to my childhood days and made me want to sit down and watch it again instead of doing any homework. I decided to choose Pocahontas, an old classic and a movie I have loved since childhood. While I love other movies for a few months or maybe a year or two, Pocahontas remains a rare movie I can honestly watch again and again over the years and never grow tired of. While brainstorming ideas for my blog, my younger brother began voicing his opinions about my choices, ranting about the historical inaccuracies in Pocahontas. Although many have criticized the film’s portrayal of Pocahontas, as a child I simply embraced the animal friends and talking trees. I will admit I felt (still feel) slightly jealous of her animal companions, a raccoon and hummingbird, and how she races down rivers and waterfalls in a canoe. Who does not feel uplifted as they watch Pocahontas and John Smith race through the woods singing songs like “Colors of the Wind?” I love the drama in the story, well as much drama as one can expect from Disney, as the two go against their families and everything they know to continue their relationship. Perhaps the most heart wrenching moment occurs when they fear the Native Americans will kill John and he tells her, “I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you.” Honestly, who does not secretly want to hear that? In the midst of the drama, the story still manages to create humor with the curious raccoon, Meeko, and the governor’s dog, Percy, antagonizing each other. However, in the end, when John must return to England due to a gunshot wound, their parting pulls at the heart as you wonder if he will return. The only consolation comes from hoping they will one day reunite. For this reason, though, I feel obligated to warn everyone to avoid the sequel. For some reason, the writers decided to become more historically accurate and destroy the relationship between Pocahontas and John Smith. As long as people avoid the horrendous sequel, they can fully enjoy the heartwarming classic, a movie that consistently brings joy to everyone no matter how many times they watch it.